Saturday, July 07, 2007


Ummmmmm. Chocolate!

Happy Birthday!
Marc Chagall

Once upon a time...
Live Aid, 1985

Queen, Live Aid.
Freddie Mercury ruled the world...

Too late now!

The White Trash News Network

We here at OrangeMercury take great pride in announcing the launching of the White Trash News Network. Our reasons are very simple: we don't use the "n" word (NICE! what were YOU thinking?) and it's toooooo much fun to highlight the oddities of White Trash. After all, wouldn't you? Really though. In this age of "going green" we'd like to do our part for Mother Earth.

We're doing it simply because WE CAN!

Never be bored at work.
Or anywhere else, for that matter!


1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee, and then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...

How to keep a healthy level of insanity:

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your wastebasket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch toespresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Dont use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....

19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

You are an extreme redneck when...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The resale value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered child care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "gentlemen, start your engines!"
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

White Trash Wedding Cake

The mostest from Hostess for the hostess with the mostest!

White Trash Wedding

Our family is proud to announce...

Hmmmm. Will she? Won't she?
Y'all callin' her a bitch like it's a bad thang...

New features on OrangeMercury!

Here at OrangeMercury, we've been working very hard to bring you the latest in trivia and useless news which we find of great importance. As we like to share all this senseless and random information with both our readers (my dog and my gerbil), we've now included a "Today's Birthdays" and "Today in the news..." as well as a counter, so we can really tablulate how many readers we have each millennia (somewhere around 4 per hundred years.)

We hope you enjoy our OrangeNess, and remember: don't handle Mercury with your bare hands. It's kinda lethal to your overall health...just like our blog!

Happy 07.07.07...I'll take that 7+7 now, wank you...oops! We meant "thank" you!!!

AddenDUMB: Both our readers have written in many times asking who "we" are at OrangeMercury. They are interested in learning more about our diverse and barely "talented" staff.

OrangeMercury, today, for the first time, would like to introduce our staff.

Me. And all the voices in my, I mean, "our" head.

Ummm. Wench? I need a refill on my 7+7. And "on the rocks" means "poured over a gravel pit."
I don't know where the hell you figured "rocks" meant "ice."
"Ice" is "diamonds" you stoopid hoe.

Se7en Deadly Sins

1.1 Gluttony
1.2 Greed
1.3 Sloth
1.4 Lust
1.5 Pride
1.6 Envy
1.7 Wrath

Lucky Se7en

How to tell if a woman
is an Orthodox Jew.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Happy Birthday.

What did Dubya say about Castro dying?
I feel the same...about Dubya.

Happy Birthday....
His Holiness, The Dalai Lama

photograph ©Phil Borges;

If you can, help others; if you cannot do that,
at least do not harm them.
Dalai Lama

Happy Birthday....
His Holiness, The Dalai Lama

Aural Sex
Friday Happy Hour!

Is there a sexier gal to spend it with?
Is there a sexier band?

Is there a sexier sound?

Special Order
Dubya's B-Day Cake!

Happy berf day to ewe
happy berf day to ewe
happy berf day deer dub-ya
happy berf day to ewe!

Now, lean in REAL CLOSE...

Annual Battle of Belly Button Jewelry!!!
Florida v Alabama



Speaking of
Weapons of Mass Destruction...

A weapon of mass confusion.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Songs of Mass Destruction

Coming this October...

TEXAS on iTunes

Hold on!
One mo' time!

If you aren't hooked on Sharleen after viewing this brilliant compilation taken from RED BOOK, you've got a serious problem.

The only question remaining?
How to get TEXAS in the USA!

Let me sleep, so I can dream of Sharleen!

(What's a girl to do?)

TEXAS: Can't Resist

I know I can't resist,
I never want to fall asleep,
I'm scared of what I'll miss...

One of the most original and beautiful music videos...ever.
Simple, stunning, Sharleen.

Stunningly original.


How many "non-hostiles?"
How many "accidental whatevers?"

How many more?

When is enough, enough?


Two damning words.

Helicopter crash.
In the Euphrates.

Back in the day when I studied geography, the Tigris and the Euphrates were called the "cradle of civilization."

The center of destruction.

OK, I confess!
Sharleen puts a smile on my face
AND a woody, well, you know!

Sharleen's Summer Son!
Brixton Academy 2001

Is it me or does it appear that she's got a heavy gay following?
Either way, I'd've killed (not really 'killed') to be there.

TEXAS and Sharleen at the Palace.


TEXAS x Giorgio Moroder = WOW!

Director: Stephane Sednaoui

Ummmm...if Shar isn't going with this guy, he can burn my skin ANYDAY now...

anyday now, the blame's gonna fall on me.

What's the difference between...
potentially + realistically?

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my ! God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!? "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. Realistically? We're living with two sluts and a fag."

In the tradition of:
Paris Is Burning

What is very wrong with this picture? And it ain't on the left.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Who said greyhounds can't do stairs?

Kate Smith Redux
God Bless America

Kate Smith Redux
God Bless America

God Bless America

I Don't Want a Lover


The 2014 Winter Olympics!!!
and the winner is...

LIVE! from Guatemala City.

Nope for Austria...
Russian or South Korea?


Posting 2,700!
+ YouWillToo!

Why you need to adopt a greyhound.
Explicit + gruesome photographs herein.

Greyhound racing needs to be banned.
Countries sanctioning greyhound races need harsh economic sanctions.

And we all need to adopt a greyhound, or two, or support our friends who shelter them from untold horrors. If you have a friend with a greyhound, or two, help 'em out with gifts of food, meds, or doggie comforts (pillows, blankets, toys et al.)

You won't feel anything.
Except the warm fuzzies knowing you are helping the oldest canine breed in the world.

And a very loving breed.

Never, ever underestimate a greyhound!

Who's the slut?

I don't get it.
Guys are encouraged to "sow their wild oats" and yet this ad paints a picture of the loosest woman imaginable. Frankly, it's not only sexist, it's downright vulgar.

So. Who's your gal pal?

Blow who? Where? Why?

Hot smokin' doctors...

Saddam O'Donnell

I must give credit where credit is due.
I did not, repeat NOT, do the retouching on this brilliant photo-composite.
Props to nightMARE for sending this one my way.

As a matter of fact, nightMARE is responsible for most of the WTF? weren't they thinking?
postings following this posting.


No one admitted
without parent or guardian.

Free Online Dating

Mission What?

Dubya's version of history
Photoshop Mission Accomplished

Our American Idiot.
Our president?

Hell, he went to Yale.
Imagine if he didn't?

27 Connecticut Heroes

There are 169 counties in the state of Connecticut.
God forbid.

All gave some.
Some gave all.

Spc. Robert W. Hoyt
4 July 1983 – 11 December 2004

Connecticut Guardsman killed in Iraq
Associated Press
HARTFORD, Conn. — A 21-year-old Connecticut Army National Guardsman from Ashford was killed Saturday while serving in Iraq, Maj. Gen. William A. Cugno announced Monday.
Spc. Robert Hoyt, a member of the Bristol-based C Company, 102nd Infantry Battalion, was killed when his armored vehicle struck a bomb in Baghdad. The Connecticut unit was mobilized last year to help fill the ranks of Arkansas’s 39th Infantry Brigade.
Amy Schlesing, a reporter for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette embedded with the 39th, reported that Hoyt was mortally injured when a truck rolled over him as he lay in the road after the Saturday blast.

The bomb, planted in the road south of Camp Taji, detonated beneath Hoyt’s Humvee. The blast blew an armored door off and threw him to the road. Hoyt’s platoon was escorting tractor-trailer trucks loaded with confiscated Iraqi ammunition from Camp Taji to another base for destruction.

The truck driver following Hoyt’s Humvee was hit by shrapnel from the blast. In the post-explosion confusion, the truck rolled over Hoyt as he lay in the road.

“He was talking when we put him on the helicopter,” said Capt. Derald Neugebauer, Hoyt’s troop commander.

The second oldest of four children, Hoyt graduated from E.O Smith High School in Storrs and has family in the Ashford area. His younger sister attends E.O. Smith, school officials said.

“We don’t believe it’s really happened, but we know it’s happened,” his aunt, Terry Hoyt, told WTNH-TV. “The finality of it will be when he’s put to rest.”

Hoyt was not married and had no children, said Lt. Col. John Whitford, a spokesman for the Connecticut National Guard.

Sgt. 1st Class Brian O’Toole of Plymouth, the original platoon sergeant for the Connecticut group, called Hoyt a perfect soldier.

“If there is anything positive that comes out of Hoyt’s death,” he said, “it’s that it brings the reality of Iraq home to Connecticut, reminding people of the sacrifice and reality of war. As for the guys, they’re going to be all right,” he said. “I think it’ll hit harder when we get back to the States. It will hit us when we sit back and think, ‘What the hell happened?’ ”

“Spc. Hoyt was a valiant soldier who fought to protect and defend every one of us,” Gov. M. Jodi Rell said. “We are all indebted to him for his service.”

Staff Sgt. Wallace Rand, of Torrington, was also injured from the explosion, but was treated and released back to the same unit, Cugno said.

“It is very difficult to lose another great solider who answered the call to duty. Our thoughts and prayers are with the Hoyt family and all our comrades still on duty in Iraq,” said Cugno, commander of the Connecticut National Guard.

Sgt. Felix Del Greco, of Simsbury, belonged to the same unit and was killed in April during an ambush while on patrol in Baghdad. Three Guardsmen from Connecticut have been killed in Iraq — Hoyt, Del Greco and Staff Sgt. Henry E. Irizarry, of Waterbury.

“Any young life lost today has to be devastating, especially for his family, and our hearts go out to them,” Ashford First Selectman Ralph Fletcher said. “It is just very difficult for anyone to deal with.”
UPDATED TO 4 July 2007
29 people with Connecticut ties have died in Iraq and Afghanistan since 2002.

graphic from The Large Art Company.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Sir! Yes, sir!

Caveat emptor!
According to various reviews, this particular recording, while laudable in its intention, has been executed by a "band" named "American Military Band." Sadly, this outing is substandard, and is not performed by any band associated with the US Military in any way, shape or form.

Best, though, is to reference the titles herein, and look for a Boston Symphony Orchestra recording.

1. An American Tribute
2. America the Beautiful
3. Star Spangled Spectacular
4. Air Force Song
5. Marines Hymn
6. Army Medley
7. National Emblem
8. Washington Post March
9. Stars & Stripes Forever
10. Anchors Aweigh
11. American Patrol
12. Navy Blue & Gold
13. Air Force Blue
14. Semper Fidelis
15. Navy Hymn
16. The Star Spangled Banner
17. Taps


Genius has no sex.

Try this on for size.

oh no they didn't!

Oh yes, they did!

Descanse en Pace
Belle Miriam Silverman


Monday, July 02, 2007


I believe this president isn't an honest individual.

–|Joe Wilson; husband of Valerie Plame.

N.B.: Really? You don't say...


2 July 2007
MacBook; built-in camera

The Autopsy of Grey's Anatomy.

Who gives a fuck?
You are both over-paid dorks.
And why would you really care what someone else is doing,
late or otherwise.

Yo, bro!
Faggot don't mean "weak."

Either way, Washington is being Larry's bitch!

"I pay lots money for you. You my bitch now."


I love Patrick Dempsey.

–|Isaiah Washington

There oughta be a law...

Anyone over the age of 5 shouldn't be called "Scooter."

Ya know?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing!

Let's see.
I need a reference to let people know I'm on the up-and-up.
I know!
I'll ask Dick Cheney!
That'll cover everything.

Before Mick + the boys...
Before Freddie, even.

You tell me.

Ya think?

I guess these folks have never been with me on one of those "get the manager!" or "may I speak to your boss?" nights!

I especially warm up to the "you have a firm grip on reality" statement.
CLEARLY, they don't know me.

Damn. I test so well.
That in itself is an art.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

The New Wembley Stadium

Absolutely AMAZING interactive views...

Sir? May I help you with your bag?

Who's your daddy?

Don't go breakin' my heart!


PRO...CNN revamps its website.
CON...Most of their broadcasts are still "encore" presentations;
i.e. RERUNS!

The Weak in Review

1. Paris Hilton on LarryBLingJive! "I don't do drugs."
2. Waiting in line for an iPhone; reselling it on eBay for $21million (TRUE!)
3. Terrorists in the UK. Bush STIHL on vacation.
4. The IFOCE. The International Federation of Competitive Eating. The #1 Eating Disorder.
5. Ann Coulter. C'mon. Ignore the Adam's Apple.
6. Nancy Grace. Pregnant. So much for "pro-choice."
7. Now I'm gay. Now I'm not. Now I'm gay. Now I'm not.
8. Barbra Streisand in Germany. Umm, Barbra Streisand ANYWHERE.
9. An apoplectic Anderson Cooper on Paris Hilton.
10. Zorse. As in "hung like a...."

OMFG! Get the diapers!!!
Dark Shadows meets Brokeback Mountain

Madonna v Ministry of Sound
1995 v 2007

Ministry of Sound

Dolce and Gabbana
Summer 2008

Skinny ties are back?
Tight black poplins?
Black shirts with military flaps?

That, and cheekbones?
Oh, plus "that attitude."

In my closet "somewear."

'cept the 'tude + cheekbones.